2016 Power Rankings-Week 7
Introduction We begin with this: Astonishing new deep space imaging from NASA’s Hubble Telescope has revealed that the number of galaxies in the observable Universe is at least 10x higher than the previously discovered 100 billion seen by Hubble in the 1990’s. For a minute I want you to just think about that. There are so many galaxies that every tiny bit of the night sky contains part of a galaxy, though they remain unseeable by the human eye because they are up to 13 billion light years away. So 100X10 billion galaxies, which means it is safe to assume there are trillions and trillions of lifeforms out there. And to think, the New England Patriots have the absolute best quarterback of all time and space. How lucky are we? I just hope at least one alien out there knew to bench Sammie Coates. Survivor Update Everyone survived this week. Well, everyone in this competition. I lost my survivor pool at work. Good thing the winner only takes home $700 or I'd be upset with myself. As if I needed another reason to hate the Steelers. Picks by 1pm kickoff on Sunday unless you plan on taking the Bears. Stat Notes * Dee hits 30 regular season losses. Dee barely beats out Paddock 9 and Papa’s Posse for the fastest to reach 30 regular season losses. She reached the mark in an impressive 45 games. Papa reached 30 losses in 46. Paddock 9 reached 30 losses in 47. GBM reached 30 losses in 48. Here’s to fastest to 40 losses! * MMMS becomes the 6th team to hit 14,000 regular season points against. RIP becomes the 7th. * The Shotti Bunch becomes the 8th team to reach 12,000 points against. * The Shotti Bunch also becomes the 8th team to reach 13,000 regular season points scored. With 13 fewer games, they are only 264.63 points behind Papa’s Posse. * The Shotti Bunch passes Papa’s Posse in combined points scored. Shotti Bunch has played 69 games. Papa has played 82. Matt Jinx Update Mid-way through the Bills/49ers game I may or may not have Matt-Jinxed LeSean McCoy. I told Shotti McCoy was a monster and Shady promptly went down with what looked like some sort of knee injury. Throwing off his helmet and writhing in pain, it looked like his season could be done. Lucky for Shotti, the MattJinx is capable of jinxing itself. I quickly texted Shotti again and said “#MattJinx.” By calling the #MattJinx prematurely I effectively cancelled out the #MattJinx. McCoy quickly returned to the game and scored another TD. MattJinxed the #MattJinx like you read about. Power Rankings ---- 1(1). The Shotti Bunch Bench Points - 100.21 TPS - 374.01 2015 Week 7 Rankings - 4 Amazing to think that Shotti’s season is once again aging like a fine wine. As the days go by he gets better and better. Shotti has the 3rd, 5th, 6th and 7th highest scoring runningbacks in the league. The guy obviously has an eye for talent at that position. Sure he got a little lucky that Woodhead tore his ACL, but take Gordon away and he still has three of the top seven backs. Four teams don’t have a back in the top ten. Momma doesn’t have one in the top twenty. For the time being, Shotti is the undisputed best team in this league. He has a two game lead for a bye spot and a huge point advantage. Only the commish is keeping pace. Come on guys! What the fuck? Is anyone else going to challenge this guy? He's fucking running away with it! ---- 2(3). Garoppoblow Me Bench Points - 17.73 TPS - 227.71 2015 Week 7 Rankings - 3 I guess I have to rank myself second. I don’t mean that in a cocky way. I genuinely don’t believe that I’m a 5-1 team right now. I will readily admit that. But here’s the thing. This team might not have had a 250 point game but they also haven’t had a 150 point game. They are consistently average, and sometimes that’s the best way to be. GBM has not been projected to win a matchup once this entire season, yet here they sit at 5-1. This is in spite of the poor decisions this manager continues to make. Bill Belichick said it best: coaches lose games, players win them. Crowder rode the pine this weekend despite being...brace yourselves for this one...GBM’s top scoring wide receiver. Not just on Sunday. No. Crowder is the leading scorer for GBMs WR corp ON THE SEASON! Luckily GBM has the top scoring defense, top scoring QB, the best TE in history and a pretty decent RB in Bell. Take those four players away (which you can’t because they’re mine and I’m not trading them) and this team is roadkill. This is the longest win streak in franchise history, tying the mark set in 2012. ---- 3(2). RIPDab Bench Points - 49.83 TPS - 207.54 2015 Week 7 Rankings - 5 Shit, meet bed. RIP had gone three straight weeks of 100+ point margins of victory, and as I predicted they hit the thick cement wall of Paddock 9. This sparked major change to the roster. Bortles has been swapped for Dalton and Pittsburgh defense has been swapped for Baltimore. Dalton is the fourth QB to start a game for RIP after Taylor, Wentz, and Bortles. Baltimore is the fifth defense to get the start after Pittsburgh, Tennessee, New York Jets and Los Angeles. There seems to be something inherently wrong with streaming QBs and defenses, the two highest scoring positions in this league. RIP not getting any production out of those two positions is the equivalent of going to a brothel and not getting laid. At the end of the day they are in third because they are outscoring almost every other team, but the production seems to come in spurts. This isn’t Brewster’s Millions. You don’t have to blow it all at once. ---- 4(4). Peeled Eggplant Bench Points - 54.56 TPS - 250.72 2015 Week 7 Rankings - 8 Peeled Eggplant rides a sneaky two-game win streak into a tough battle against GBM. Being without Cam Newton and Graham Gano, who combined for close to 50 in week 6, won’t be easy. But Mariota has been on a tear of late and could fit in nicely. At least Barnidge, who has scored over 13 in four straight weeks after being shat on in the power rankings, will face a Cincy D that was just shredded by tight ends at New England. The Fantasy Gods originally had this team ranked third, but recent events have knocked them down a peg. Brown, who has been a pretty decent first rounder despite being outscored by three of the four guys taken after him, now loses tremendous value with Big Ben out up to six weeks. ' ' ---- 5(7). HELLEVATOR MVP Bench Points - 90.29 TPS - 321.58 2015 Week 7 Rankings - 6 Is MVP back? MVP has three wins, but 66% of them have come against JarJar Stinks. The name says it all! The team stinks! Thanks to whoever made this schedule, MVP has been able to get back on track after a rough start to the year. MVP has played four teams in six weeks, vs almost everyone else playing six unique teams. This further shrouds the truth of who this team is. They are the Supreme Leader Snoke of the league. Including this week’s matchup with MMMS, their opponents are a combined 8-16 over the last four weeks. But don’t let that fool you. MVP has averaged an impressive 231.85 over their three game win streak. For comparison, GBM has averaged 210.09 over that same span. All that being said, I’m a bit concerned there is a conflict of interest with Zach playing in both the League of Champions and the NHL simultaneously. Might have to consult the fantasy gods on this one. ---- 6(5). Deez Sons of Bitchez Bench Points - 21.26 TPS - 229.50 2015 Week 7 Rankings - 2 This is exactly what happened to this team last year. I’m starting to wonder if living with Nate is like living next to a nuclear power plant. Bad decision radiation just pours into Deez brain whenever she’s in the same room as him. Not to toot my own horn (toot toot), but how right was I about Martin and Charles? They have combined to miss ten weeks so far out of a possible 14. Cheese and rice! Now the Saints have an unfavorable matchup against Chiefs defense in Kansas City. All the players that started off hot have cooled down. Forte in the first three weeks put up 87.88. In the last three: 23.44. Benjamin? 62.10 in the first two games, 47.90 in the last four. DeAndre Hopkins, meanwhile, is not performing like a first round pick. The other four WRs taken in the first round (Brown, ODB, Green and Jones) are ranked 1-4 among WRs for an average of 151.83 points. Hopkins is ranked 28th among all WRs with 99. Jets 1-5. ' ' ---- 7(6). Papa’s Posse Bench Points - 59.80 TPS - 233.43 2015 Week 7 Rankings - 7 When Coates put up a zero, the door opened for Papa to take down the commish. But Stafford going off on the bench haunted the team heading into Monday Night, where Papa had to hope that somehow Palmer coming off a concussion could outscore Stafford’s 49 points. Turns out Palmer couldn’t even hit half that, as David Johnson vultured touchdown after touchdown and sent the Posse spiraling out of a playoff position. The good news is they are technically tied for third and a win over RIPDab puts them right back near the top. In fact, each of the next three games is against a team they are currently tied with. Another three game win streak guarantees them at least fourth place outright. In sad news, Papa has finally cut ties with Jason Witten. Witten, like many players this season, was great. Legendary and unforgettable careers. But like Peyton Manning last season, you just don’t play guys who used to be great. That’s not how you win in fantasy. Papa will go RB heavy and hope to outrun RIP. ---- 8(8). Jar Jar Stinks Bench Points - 18.52 TPS - 229.05 2015 Week 7 Rankings - 9 JJ is currently going through the worst stretch of this young franchise’s history. Things were looking up after ODB shredded the Ravens secondary, but the small lead built on Sunday quickly evaporated Monday night when David Johnson scored two quick TDs. Injury has just ravished this team. Dez, Decker, Foster, to name a few. They're no momma but they're close. Seeing MVP twice in the last three weeks doesn’t help. They have never been able to beat the former champ. This week they go against Dee, the team they tied with at the end of last season. Some may remember that Jar Jar lost out to Dee based on points scored and that is what kept them out of the playoffs. A win by Jar Jar really shakes things up, a loss and the gap between the top and bottom begins to grow. ---- 9(10). Paddock 9 Bench Points - 88.55 TPS - 325.07 2015 Week 7 Rankings - 10 We’re getting to the meat of the season now. The boys are being separated from the men. The girl is being separated from the lady. It’s grown ups time. What is Paddock 9 going to do about Aaron Rodgers? You have to go all the way back to week ten of 2015 to find the last time Rodgers threw for over 300 yards w/multiple TDs. Brian Hoyer, on the other hand, has had three such games already this season. P9 does not run the Green Bay Packers. They run the Paddock 9’s. Rodgers has barely produced as a top ten fantasy option since 2014. It may not be time to cut the guy, but when there are five free agent QBs out there scoring more every week big decisions need to be made. Does P9 have what it takes to make big boy decision? Also congrats on the win. Pretty decent destruction of Nate. I’m sure you’re next opponent will roll over, too. Wait a minute… ' ' ---- 10(9). Ma ma momma said Bench Points - 36.75 TPS - 193.15 2015 Week 7 Rankings - 1 Thirty is the new twenty, orange is the new black, and Ma ma momma said is the new bye week. MMMS lost five games all of last season. They’ve lost five in the first six weeks. What a difference a year makes. This time last October they were the number one ranked team. Little orphans in Syria feel bad for how terrible this team has performed. The Suicide Hotline is reading off the names of the players on this team’s roster to talk their callers off the ledge. “It could be worse, kid. TJ Yeldon could be your number one running back.” To add another slice of shit to the turd sandwich, Eddie Lacy is now on IR. A loss this week and the season is effectively over. ' ' State of the Standings Every year is different but history has told us this: seven wins is a guaranteed playoff berth. Eight losses is a guaranteed out. No team with eight losses has ever made the playoffs and no team with seven wins has ever missed playoffs in the ten team league. This essentially means MMMS at 1-5 needs to go 5-2 to even stand a chance at making the 6 seed. Totally possible. It also means if Shotti goes 2-5, he’ll still make playoffs. If Shotti goes 2-5 I’ll name my first born son after everyone who beats him during that seven game stretch. I’ll name my son Paddock dab momma JarJar Blow Me DiGennaro. Theme of the Week - First Vs. Worst Just when you thought you had put 2015 behind you. This week’s matchups were determined based on how you finished in the 2015 regular season. First place The Shotti Bunch faces off against 10th place Paddock 9. Not much has changed, except Paddock 9 has improved to 9th place...good job! Second place Garoppoblow Me faces off against 9th place Peeled Eggplant. GBM is still in 2nd place, but Peeled has improved to a tie for third, which is also a tie for 7th. Third place ma ma momma said squares off against 8th place MVP. The tide has turned on this matchup, with MMMS in 10th and MVP in 5th. Hard to believe these two teams played each other in the championship game in 2014, virtually unrecognizable now. Fourth place RIP, who should be playing 7th place JarJar, instead will face Papa’s Posse, who should be playing Dee. Papa will instead face off against Dee for Revenge Week in November. ''' '''MATCHUP OF THE WEEK - Borderline Bonanza! There is only one matchup that is projected to be close. We all know how projections don’t mean much, but regardless, I am curious to see how Dee and Jar Jar match up. Both teams started off hot but neither team has won in the month of October. The teams met twice last season. Dee won the first meeting handily before dropping the series and season finale in a close 235.84-223.99 bout. This was a hollow win for Jar Jar, who still didn’t have enough points to overtake Dee in the standings. This time around that may not be the case. If Jar Jar beats Dee by 20 or more, they will swap spots in the standings. For Dee, this comes down (as always) to the performance of the New Orleans offense. For the second week in a row, I see Jar Jar’s fate resting in the hands of the Arizona game. I see Seattle defense easily outscoring Green Bay, which is in shambles. Both teams are sitting right on the border of disaster and destiny. Neither can afford to lose this game.